Tuesday Terror: The Nun (2018)
A priest, a not-quite nun and a Frenchman walk into a bar – um – a convent to investigate the suicide of a nun. What waits for them beyond the fog is an evil that wants a way out.
The Nun has a great, old school atmosphere and the soundtrack is good. The story that we get doesn’t quite fit this set up. Jumpscares galore but you don’t learn too much about our demon in residence. Why would someone summon this thing in the first place? What were the perks supposed to be?
Now, let’s talk about our heroes. The priest feels guilty, so the demon gets to torment him with that. The not-quite a nun has visions she doesn’t understand that reference the Virgin Mary. The Frenchman is worldly; he uses a shotgun, not the Bible.
In essence, the priest is the Scarecrow (he’s doesn’t think things through), our not-quite nun is Dorothy (she finds her purpose), the Frenchman is the Tin Man (his heart is in the right place) and The Nun is the Wicked Witch of the West. The Cowardly Lion? That’s the audience – BOO!
Because The Nun appeared in The Conjuring 2, you walk into this film knowing that this trio is not going to destroy the demon. Desite the jumpscares, the suspense is tamped down some. Also, the way they “defeat” the evil…Jada Pinkett did it better.
However, The Nun is full of great tips:
-if your horse refuses to get near a building rumored to be haunted/cursed, go home.
-if you are invited to spend the night at the cursed place, decline – go back to the village while you still have a ride.
-if you survive a hellish night, run to the village as soon as daylight hits.
It’s an okay movie that shows how The Nun is linked to the Conjuring Universe. On the other hand, let’s hope that The Nun gets a sequel (that’s really a story-strong prequel).
Tuesday Terror: Attack Of The Killer Donuts (2016)
Dubious donut employee Johnny inadvertently infects the day’s delicacies with a chemical created by his mad scientist uncle which animates the sweat treats and transforms them into killers.
The Good: The actual killer donuts are cute and fun. They have teeth. They can be deadly on their own or attack victims in swarm. Their greatest strengths are size and, of course, taking unsuspecting eaters by surprise. If you manage to eat one, he’ll get you too – and turn all of your insides to goo.
The Bad: Everything else. Attack of The Killer Donuts, a horror comedy that feels old. The freshness date on this type of comedy expired at least a decade ago. Our hero Johnny is an unmotivated slacker who lives with his mom, has a “girlfriend” that’s uses him as an ATM, and can’t see that girl he works with is the one who is “right” for him. The money that he gives to his girlfriend is whatever he can beg from his mother. Did I mention that he doesn’t do any chores? I think the writers were going for lovable goof but ended up with clueless blandman.
As a character, the “do nothing / be nothing” guy – without an ounce of charm – is passable as friend of the main character but it makes for a dull lead. For example, the girlfriend is blatantly using Johnny. When she stops by to pick up money, her real boyfriend is with her. Later on, when our “hero” catches the couple in the act of making out, he still doesn’t understand what’s happening. She has to spell it out for him. It’s supposed to be funny; it’s tedious.
Unfortunately, when your hero is flat, the other characters – even the campy ones – can’t save him. Won’t someone rescue these homicidal treats and put them in a movie worthy of their sweet, glazed anger?
Tip: Have a pot of coffee on hand.
Tuesday Terror: Theater Of Blood (1973)
Edward Lionheart (Vincent Price) is an actor who has found his niche: the plays of William Shakespeare. While he thrills audiences, he gets no respect from cruel theater critics. Driven to despair, he jumps to his death in front of them. Before long, the critics begin dying off in scenarios inspired by Shakespearian plays. Alas, who will be left to write condescending theater reviews?
On the surface, it appears that the critics have a point. They question Lionheart’s greatness. Surely, a really talented actor would want to grow and stretch himself. By limiting himself to Shakespeare, Lionheart plays it safe.
However, to trick the critics into falling into his trap, the actor plays a wide variety of characters. Most of the critics get to witness him branching out into new roles…right before they die.
There’s not much mystery here, but Theater of Blood is a fun movie. It’s essentially a showcase for Price. He’s enjoying himself and it shows. Also, if you’re a fan of British cinema, the cast is full of familiar faces.
Is it horror? More of a comedy with some horrifying/scary elements. Shakespeare didn’t have a lot of people peacefully passing in their sleep…
On top of everything else, the film has a campy queerness that I enjoy.
TIP: Be careful, darlings. A sharp critique can cut both ways.
Tuesday Terror: The Meg (2018)
Funded by a super rich dude, scientist discover that the ocean floor -at least in some parts – is a false bottom. Think of it as a frozen pond with another layer of deep, dark ocean under it. What they don’t realize is that in this unexplored region is an ancient predator: the megalodon. When the beast escapes into “our” layer, the group races to stop it before it devours everything in its path.
The Meg was pretty good. It doesn’t take itself too seriously, but it doesn’t go the silly, parody route. I didn’t realize that it was an American-Chinese production, so I was surprised that Li Bingbing was the female lead. She and Jason Statham took turns saving each other. Though it was established early on that her character had a crush on him, it didn’t get much further than that.
Rainn Wilson plays the rich dude – he’s suitably annoying and underhanded but not really a villain. Ruby Rose gives me a “tomb raider” vibe – even though her character doesn’t do much in the way of adventure here. I’m not sure if it’s the hair, the tattoos or both. She may have urgently punched some computer keys, but she didn’t get to do much during the action scenes.
Most of the other human characters are mostly a wash. For the first few minutes, they are engineers, scientist, researchers, etc – everyone has a few lines to establish their involvement with the project. Once the shark is loose, they become little more than potential fish food. This isn’t a complaint – it’s just the nature of creature features. The beast needs to eat.
The Meg is definitely more adventure-thriller than horror but it’s a fun time.
TIP: Leave deep sea creatures alone – they are minding their own business!
Tuesday Terror: Demonoid (1980)
After a couple unwittingly releases an evil force, the wife searches for her now-possessed husband. Her efforts to thwart the demon’s plans don’t go unnoticed and soon she becomes a target. Can the wife find a way to send the entity back into the fiery depths of hell or will she get caught in the grip of evil?
In a lot of ways, Demonoid sounds like a typical horror movie. The trouble begins because a white couple doesn’t head the warnings of Mexican mine workers. The locals are just superstitious, you see. As owners of the mine, the couple decides to go deep inside in an attempt to shame the workers for their fear.
What happens when they stumble across several mumified corpses and an altar? They take one of the objects – a box – from the underground temple back home. After a few drinks, the husband decides to open the box; it appears to be full of sand. Little does he know that tampering wih the box has sealed his fate.
The unusual, fun part of this flick? These folks are being plagued and possessed by a demonic left hand. Imagine Thing from the Addams Family out of its box and roaming the streets for a host. Once this evil left hand is interlocked with the fingers of a human’s left hand – the party begins!
Some embrace the evil and give themselves over to it. Others fight against it. How do you get rid of an evil hand? You chop it off. Once you no longer have a left hand, the demon must be on its way. How do you defeat it? That’s quite a different matter.
One warning, the film begins with a bunch of people in pointy, hooded robes running through the mine. A woman’s clothes are ripped (her breast pop out), chained to the wall, yada yada. It very briefly resembles a horror-bdsm themed movie and feels out of place. It’s as if a producer realized they didn’ have any tits in the film and they needed to add an extra scene.
Full of dramatic chases and hand chopping, Demonoid makes absolutely no sense. Thankfully, it doesn’t have to – this is the 80s. 🙂
Tip: Stop taking “random” objects from temples/burial grounds etc – especially if you don’t understand their significance.
Tuesday Terror: Dude Bro Party Massacre 3 (2015)
Dude Bro Party Massacre 3 (there is no 1 or 2) is a parody of 80s slasher movies. A young man joins a frat to discover who killed his twin brother. The boys have a history of deadly pranks; could one of them have finally gone too far? Whoever the killer is, they aren’t finished. As dude bros begin disappearing and dying, just about everyone they come in contact with is a suspect.
Take a dash of Animal House (1978), cartoonish antics and a heavy sprinkling of blood/slasher and you get Dude Bro Massacre 3. Bleh.
An 80s movie with corny bits is nostalgic. A 2015 movie pretending to be an 80s movie is annoying. In movies where a group is stalked one by one, the group needs to have some character variation. One “dude bro” is fine. A whole frat house full of them is tedious. A real 80s movie would not commit this sin.
So, despite the buckets of blood, there’s no sense of satisfaction when one of these dudes dies. Oh, there’s a bunch of “bi” jokes and gay innuendo. It’s tired.
The kills are ridiculous, the reveal/explanation is preposterous and the final battle is uninspired – which is fine for an 80s horror movie. The problem? This movie just isn’t fun.
Tip: Avoid films with “Dude Bro” in the title.
Tuesday Terror: Demon Wind (1990)
Cory is on a quest to reclaim his family’s land and discover the truth about their tragic past. The evil that plagued his ancestors has been waiting for him. Will Cory and his friends be able to survive the Demon Wind?
This is the kind of movie where a main character gets every sign NOT to go to a place. His dreams warn against it, the locals warn against it, etc. The main character acknowledges that it could be dangerous but he just has to know the truth. Also, he never passes on the warnings to his friends so they can make an informed choice about following him into foolishness. Once they arrive at the forbidden place, the group spends the rest of the movie desperately trying to leave.
That’s the overall structure but the devil (ha!) is in the details. It’s as if the writer saw a bunch of horror movies and tried to stuff elements of all of them into this one. That Demon Wind is actually an evil fog. There’s a satanic cult and zombie demons. Two out of seven holy daggers show up. Evil children. A talking doll. A spell book. An explosive snow globe. A magician/karate master with fancy footwork. The kitchen sink.
Okay – everything but the kitchen sink. Some of these bits happen in interesting ways. Others are just confusing. The group of friends is just demon fodder. After the first two are killed, two more show up the next day to replace them and edge up the body count.
Eventually, the big baddie reveals himself but it still takes Cory a moment to put up a decent fight. There’s a physical change that happens to Cory when he’s in battle mode that makes absolutely no sense. My best guess is that the design of the transformation was inspired by Alien Nation, a movie/tv show that came out around this time.
But is it entertaining? Yep.
Tips:
*If you show up to a place and the first thing you see is a skeleton nailed to a cross, t’is a sign you should go home.
*Snow globes are dangerous – break only as a last resort.
Tuesday Terrific: Sorry To Bother You (2018)
Cassius is a dude short on cash, prospects and motivation. He’s the type that wonders – does life really matter if the sun is going to explode one day and wipe our section of the universe clean? Desperate for money, he gets a job as a telemarketer. An older co-worker gives him the keys to success and Cassius finds himself quickly moving up the ladder. Getting a promotion has its drawbacks. Now, he finds himself at constant odds with his girlfriend, the friends/coworkers he’s left behind and his conscious.
And that’s all I can really say without spoiling this fun, wild, thought-provoking film. It’s a documentary fantasy/comedy about people trying to survive a system that sees them as no more than a “resource”.
Do yourself a favor and don’t read spoilers before seeing Sorry To Bother You. Don’t even pay too much attention to reviews (glowing or otherwise). It’s best to go in fresh with as few expectations as possible; be open to the world that’s about to unfold in front of you.
Go on. Hop in the back seat and go on an adventure with these beautiful folks.
Tuesday Terror: The Sand (2015)
The night after a beach party, a group wakes up and discovers the sand suddenly has a hankering for living things. If you touch it, you become stuck and get sucked down into it. Could it have anything to do with that large, slimy rock they found last night?
The Sand is a modern-day take on the 80s movie Blood Beach. It opens like a foundation footage feature (it’s not) with video from the beach party. How do you know it’s a wild and crazy time? Lots of people are screaming and pouring liquor into each other’s mouths. The scene gives a hint of the terror to come and establishes why cell phones won’t be helpful later.
For all the drinking they did the night before, the handful of characters who wake up on the beach immediately start getting up into each other’s faces: talking, kissing, etc. Eww. Someone puts her feet in the sand – the terror begins.
Our group trying to escape the beach consist of the hot guy, his ex girlfriend, his current girlfriend, the nice guy who wants the ex girlfriend, the black guy who clearly makes bad decisions and two or three more friends there to enhance body count. No one here is a villain – though one does show up briefly.
With SyFy original movie grade special effects, this should be a silly, fun movie. Though the action starts fairly quickly, there are a lot of slow moments that give the viewer the chance to think. That takes the joy out of a film like this. For example, how come the beach is so clean after their wild party? Where did all of the liquor bottles go?
I should mention that “the black guy who makes bad decisions” spends the majority of this movie stuffed in a trash barrel with a dick drawn on the side of his face….
Tip: Stop picking up large, slimy, egg-shaped things on the beach. Don’t hang out with people who would put you in a garbage can while you are passed out.
Tuesday Terror: Tourist Trap (1979)
I am out and about sightseeing which brings to mind a movie that scared the heck out of me when I first saw it- Tourist Trap.
I haven’t seen this film in a while but certain scenes are just seared into my teenage brain. Especially the ending.
If you know the basics ingredients of the plot, a familiar story starts to form in the mind of a horror fan. A wax museum / old mansion, a group of friends, car trouble… Still, there’s something unsettling about this movie.
Anywho, while I’m avoiding rundown roadside attractions like Slausen’s Lost Oasis, check out the trailer for Tourist Trap:
